This Mom Thing!!!!!

Failing....

In the past several months I heard on several different occasions about Mom's failing, myself included.  I know I am not alone when I talk about how hard it is to be a Mom.  We constantly doubt ourselves: do I buy organic, braces for a 10 year old, overnight camps, cellphones, or even the new Moms - bottle or breast feed, cloth or pampers, glass or plastic bottles - the list can go on and on depending on what season you are in with Motherhood.  However regardless of the season of Motherhood, we are doubting our self and we are saying - I failed...

Me personally I struggle with my time... I work out of town from where we live and where the kids go to school - so Eric (thank God by the way that He gave me him!) does majority of the things with the kids during the week.. He gets them ready, he says goodbye to them each morning, he gets that kiss, hug and wave as they walk into school, he also gets to hear about their day first, he gets to find out if they passed that science test they were dreading.  The school even calls him first when the kids are sick or something has happened - talk about a knife in the gut when he calls to tell me "the school called..."  my first reaction is but why not me - well I just need to get over myself, it does make more sense for the school to call him - he is only 5 minutes away - but you get my drift!  I doubt myself - is this career worth it... am I making the right choice to have a career - am I setting a good example for my kids on what a wife and a mom should be... seeing doubting - this is the season I am in now...

~Side note & off topic...Eric gets those first that I don't get... but I am not upset he does, b/c the twins are seeing what a team is all about - the team of a Mom and Dad and for that I would fail daily if it meant my kids know that it takes all hands on deck to make a family and a marriage work!~

I feel that my time is stretched thin with the kids and I wonder will they look back and know that although my little time that I do have in the evenings with them between being a taxi to and from activities, homework, church, dinner, etc I do cherish those moments.  Not once have the kids ever said Mom you failed today at this Mom thing - instead they hug me, ask about my day and don't doubt that I love them! So why do I beat myself up that I can't be at everything and if I slip up and don't get balloons sent to them on their birthday or have 50 cupcakes ready for them to take to school, forget about what color they were suppose to wear that day to school for something God knows what... but I do and I have those little pitty parties for myself when no one is looking - thinking I am failing! 

Guess what??!!!!!  I failed - I screwed up - I forgot - I was too busy - I was too tired - I was too lazy - I was just being a Mom! 

All of this is okay -  It's how we react when when we have those little hiccups - I have done better on not beating myself up as much as I use to - I still struggle, but the struggle doesn't last too long!  So my advice to young Momma's out there - know it's OKAY - you are going to mess up - but guess what those babies will still love you and hug your neck when you do!!!!  So cherish whatever season you are in with your kids and your family and stop saying I am failing at this Mom thing and just say I am Kicking Ass at this Mom thing!!!!  BC - you are just ask your Kids - they will tell you that you are the BEST MOM!!!!

 As always - keep smiling and keep praying - I know I am!!!!!

What a season!

This year's hunting season was full of first!
(PSA - this is a LONG post!!!)

Youth weekend kicked off on Halloween night - when the twins were asked what they wanted to do - they choose to sit in the deer stand instead of going trick or treating.  At that point I realized how fast they were growing up! 

The kids have grown up either in the deer stand or duck blind - Trayce sat in the deer stand with his Daddy when he was only 3 and we all went on our first duck hunt when they were 4, Trayce even brought his bb gun with him.

 First Duck Hunt - 2010

First Deer Hunt - 2009

After going down memory lane on how much fun the kids have had hunting and fishing - this year has by far been the most fun.  As they have gotten older - Eric can't necessarily sit in the stand with both of them - well he just doesn't want to choose who gets to shoot :). 

Finally after Paige and I sat in the stand for weeks (I mean lots of hours!!!) a spike walks out.  From the moment I told Paige it was a spike I saw a look in her eyes I had never seen before.  It was a look of excitement, anxiousness and pure determination!  She sat in my lap shouldered the gun and as I whispered take a deep breath, take your time and squeeze the trigger - she whispers back "Mom I got this" and BOOM she shoots!  Between her adrenaline and pure amazement she starts to cry!  She swears she missed - but then she swears she hit him!  The next 15-20 minutes felt like the past hours we had sat in the stand - we both couldn't take it any longer we had to go look!  We didn't find it - but I just knew she hit him - once her Daddy got to us we started to track a little more - low and behold it bedded down under a few bushes and there you have it my baby girl got her first deer and I was lucky enough to share that moment with her.   I am still not sure who was more happy - her or Trayce - I was very proud of his excitement for her (at this point he had only killed does...)

She also got her first dove this year - her Uncle Carll and Aunt Tiffany took the kids dove hunting - typical Paige fashion - she goes to sleep in the truck, wakes up and tells her Uncle Carll she would like to shoot - he gets her gun ready and when the dove flies over she takes a shot and BOOM she gets one - looks at him and said OKAY I'm done - that child she is either a great shoot or just lucky - but none the less - another first!

Trayce had one heck of a season - all species!  He had some great dove hunts with his Dad, Uncle, and Poppy.  

However, each year since he has been hunting he wants that buck!  He has killed a couple does, but the buck just hasn't come around - he has watched bucks walk past him so many times that weren't legal and he has watched all his friends get a buck, but his was not there yet.  However, a few weeks before the season was over his time came.  Of course his Daddy can tell the story alot better then I can, but needless to say - it was one for the books.  Someone got trigger happy and missed - but the buck stayed around, and the second time around he got him.   Again not sure who was more excited him or his Daddy!  When they got home - he walks in and tells me no deer Mom just an old hog - but come see how big it is - I reluctantly got up (you've seen one hog you have seen them all in my book!)  But, as I walked up to the truck - I saw his big smile & low and behold he got his first buck!

His work was not over - his Uncle Drew taught him how to clean a deer - he made him get in there and cut through the skin and not damage the meat, but more important they shared a bond with each other that neither will forget.

Of course Trayce is never tired of hunting - he was ready to get back in the stand - at that point he said he just wanted to go - he has learned the importance of sitting still and embracing the outdoors.  He truly has the deepest respect for what he gets to do.  At the end of the deer season he was invited to go with his Dad to a friends deer lease in south Texas - no guarantees or promises were made - but he was going to see deer like he watches on TV - for a 9 year old this was the trip of his life!  However he was given the green light to take a shot a management buck - to a 9 year old this was the monster deer of all monster deers!  His Daddy watched and in full amazement and pride he watched his son take a deer that he had never even shot - but wouldn't have traded it for a million dollars - you can't put a price tag on that memory!

The boys ended the hunting season with a duck hunt - 3 generations of Schwab's - there was more memories made than killing their limits of birds.

As the hunting season was ended with many first - the one thing that wasn't a first was the memories made.  Eric and I hope our kids never forget these moments.  It's a cycle of life we are teaching them - it's not just about the hunt, it's about providing food for our family - everything that is killed is eaten throughout the year - they both take pride when I tell them this is your deer/dove/fish we are eating - even at a young age they are providing for their family - those are life long qualities we are instilling in our kids.  

Faith

I realized it has been many months since I last blogged.  Well publicly anyway... my therapy is to write all my feelings, stresses, hurts, successes etc in my journal - most of those are not blog worthy - but very soul worthy!  On my way in to the office this morning I got to thinking about why I even began to blog, one was a friend encouraged me to blog, but two I wanted something for my kids to be able to look at and see where I was during their years of growing up.  Maybe when they read this it will spark a memory, help with a struggle or remind them to always have faith.  My prayer has always been for them to be Leaders in Christ and only a Follower of Jesus. 

Faith according to the Webster Dictionary:
 :strong belief or trust in someone or something
 :belief in the existence of God : strong religious feelings or beliefs

 :a system of religious beliefs

One of my favorite stories in the bible is when Jesus asked Peter to get out of the boat and walk to him on water.  

 Matthew 14:29-31  

He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

When I think of Peter I think of someone who is strong, a leader, courageous, loving, loyal - but with all those words that I have used to describe him - he did the opposite to Jesus at times in his journey. However, even when Peter took his eyes off Jesus on the water, Jesus still had Faith in him - He knew how great Peter was going to be.  He even knew Peter would refuse him 3 times before he was crucified, but Jesus still had faith in Peter. That is the wonderful thing about Faith: we have faith, but God also has faith in us - even in a world as crazy as the one we live in we can and should always rely on that.  He has faith in us even when we don't have it in ourselves.  

I want Trayce and Paige to know that if there is a way there is a will - life will be hard, life will be trying, life will be filled with doubters and no sayers, but if they stand in their Faith and have faith in what is right - they will walk through their journey of life with God as their leader and know that even when they look away or get scared like Peter did on the water, God is there for them - they just have to have faith!

2 Corinthians 5:6-7 

 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight.

Well Played God....

I have not been putting what matters first lately.  I was doing so good with my daily alone time with God - but here lately I have let work, the kids school, the house, everything else take presence over my time with God.  I use to have my quiet times with God on the way in to work - I just chat away with God as if he was sitting in the passenger seat.  However these past months it's been few and far between chats.  I got in my car and something came over me - I just sat in my car for a few minutes and closed my eyes and I start to cry... how could I have put everything before Him - I felt so much guilt.  I dried my eyes and said well lets do this God - I apologized and went on with my chats - it was like I never stopped talking to Him - everything just poured out - it felt good!  One thing I have noticed I have been struggling with is looking at what I don't have: house, clothes, money, etc (all material!).  For example last night Eric was telling about his day describing a house he showed and how much I would love it - so my curiosity sat in and I had him show me - WOW talk about a house, I feel in love - immediately I started comparing what that house has that mine doesn't and I start thinking if only I could have that house instead.  Eric tells me we have everything we need here - we don't need a bigger newer house - I laughed it off and agreed - but deep down I was only seeing what I don't have and not what I DO have!  This morning in my chat with God - I talked about this and I asked him to help me focus on what I have, not what I think I need/want... I started thinking of all the things that we do have - what came to mind was nothing material - it was all about what each of us in our family has that he has blessed us with.  So yes that house I looked at may be bigger, have a double oven, extra rooms etc - but it's not what I need - everything I have it what I need.  As I closed my talk with God - I turned the radio back on and one of my favorite songs on the radio right now came on. I never really listened to it - I just liked the beat and the happiness of the song - this morning I listened and as I jammed and sang along - I laughed at the end and glanced up and said "Well Played God Well Played" - "I have everything I need Nothing I don't...." 

Amazing when we really listen - he does talk to us in all different ways we just have to be willing to put in the time with him and listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N8_CRpL6wk 

(with my technical challenged self I couldn't get the YouTube video of the song to play - but here is the link instead if you want to take a listen!)

Teaching and Living

I remember the twins first year like it was yesterday.  The constant attention, the lack of sleep, the endless diapers and formula bills.  I also remember double the smiles, laughter, hugs, and love.  They keep me and Eric on our toes for sure.  I remember one afternoon like it was yesterday - it was just one of those days in our house.  Eric was out of town and it was just me and the kids.  They were not having a good moment in their day.  Usually they took turns crying - it's like they knew they would get more attention if they cried one at a time - they were good babies like that!  However this moment they were both having a full blown meltdown - nothing I could do worked, changed diapers, rocked, bounced, rubbed bellies, gave bottle, held - NOTHING - they were just not happy at that moment!  All I could do was hold them both; one in each arm and cry with them!  We did this for almost an hour until all three of us were exhausted from crying.  I think we all feel asleep holding onto each other and when we all woke up we were in a different moment - laughter and happiness. 

Their first birthday came and Eric and I looked at each other and said "we made it - we kept them alive a whole year!"  That is truly how we felt - we were just living to keep them alive.  Not teaching them anything really - just feeding their needs.  The next couple of years were stressful, fun, challenging, but who knew having two wasn't that hard - at least that is what I told myself!   I wouldn't change one hard day for anything in the world - bc those babies brought so much life and love into our marriage and our lives I will forever be grateful to them.

I am now looking at them and they are about to be 9 in two months!!!  How in the world did that happen.  It hit me last night as I put them to bed in their gueen size beds, no superhero or princess sheets and no rocking them to sleep, just kissing them, reading a story and tucking them in - they are growing up right before my eyes.  I went from feeding their needs to now trying to teach them things.  Are we really teaching them what they need to know and are we still feeding their needs.  I constantly think are we enough?  Are we teaching them what they need to know to make it through their day?  Am I being the Mom I always said I would be?  Am I a good example for them? The list of questions of doubt, fear and hope could go on and on.  But, when I see them figure something out, be kind, show confidence, and love God I  know we are doing something right.  Trayce amazes me what he is little young mind thinks - he asked me last night when I was tucking him into bed - "Mom do you believe in God" I replied "yes" - he asked me "Why"  I said well for the same reasons I hope you do - which is I believe he died on the cross for me to live and continue to share his love. I asked Trayce "Do you believe?" He replies "Yes he is my Lord and Savior, I was baptized with his love and I know He lives in my heart"  He then continues to tell me that there are people in the world that do not believe and those are the ones the devil is trying to make us believe, but he knows that Jesus would not like that so he will just continue to pray for those people even though he doesn't know them.  I was absolutely blown away - how this little boy has it really all figured out and he doesn't even know it!  Times like this I know God is working our family and guiding us and I couldn't be more proud of my son in that one moment then I ever have.

I I know I make a lot of mistakes and I don't always say the right thing at that right moment, react in the right way and I probably don't apologize to them as much as I should.  But, I do know we learn each day from each other on how to be better human beings - they are teaching me just as much as I am teaching them.


Keep smiling and keep praying - I know I will (even for the ones I don't know - just like my son taught me)


Proverb 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."
  
Mark 10: 13-16 "People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."  

Deuteronomy 6:7 "Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

Can I pray for me...????

As we sat in church this morning I prayed for my kids, my husband, my family, friends, my usual prayers. However the second I was done praying I snapped at my kids.  As I was praying I was being tapped, pulled, with all of a sudden "I have to get water I need to use the bathroom".  It's not like we live far from the church, but the second we walk in its like every bodily function stops!  I honestly thinks it's their way of not having to sit for an entire hour, but I guess I'll take them sitting there for 45 minutes over not... I even joked with the couple behind me, please pray for me. Silently I was calming myself down from having a breakdown on my kids!!! 

I started to think during mass, am I praying for the right things?  I never stop and pray for me... But I feel selfish for praying for me... I shouldn't be taking up Gods time with me, there are far more important things to pray for then me... My kids, my husband, my friends, etc they need my prayers more... Right????....

But in all honesty no one knows me or my heart and soul better than Jesus.  He already knows my fears, faults, blemishes, and shortcomings (snapping at my kids this morning comes to mind) yet He still chooses to love and accept ME for ME.  So how can I not pray for myself, I need Him to guide me, listen to me and show me how or be a better person. I need Him to show me how to be closer to him, I need Him for my walk in this life.  All of this is going through my mind at mass this morning.  During  the homily, our Priest talks about jealousy, fairness, being thankful for your own blessings.  I realized I can't get through this life without praying for myself, I need Him to help me not be envious of others, to be humble, thankful and appreciative of the blessings I have. I realized I am important enough, He created me and He doesn't create anything that isn't worth praying for. And that includes me too.  

Without praying for myself, how can I be strong enough to pray for others, guide my kids to follow His word, be a good faith filled wife to my husband, help others, & pray for others. Without making sure I'm solid in my faith, then how can I help others? The only way I'm solid is through prayer with Jesus. I encourage each of you to take a moment and pray for yourself!  Just like me YOU are worth it too!!!!

Keep smiling and keep praying, I know I will (and even say a prayer for myself!) 

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Mom for YOUR family is the best kind....

Lately I have been seeing, reading, hearing about life of a stay at home Mom vs working Moms.  First this is NOT a post that says one is better than the other!  When I created the blog years ago it was a way to put my thoughts, feelings, memories etc so one day the twins could read about it.  With that being said, I want Trayce and Paige to know that although I wasn't the stay at home Mom I was a Mom who still loved them and didn't choose a career over her kids...I just chose what worked for our family!  Isn't that what we all do for our families???....

When we got pregnant and even found out we were having twins it was never in my mind to be a stay at home Mom - I always knew I wanted to work.  Does that make me a "bad Mom" or a someone who doesn't love as much?  Some said to me (yes they really did say this!) - "Don't you love your kids enough to stay at home with them", "You are working to just pay daycare "," you must not be the baby/kid type", "You're just a secretary - why work"... and really the list could go on what I have been told over the years.   But, if I could go back and change if I worked or not - I would have done it all over again.  I have enjoyed working.  I like the idea of having a career life plus a family life and having to balance it.  Which sometimes I balance it better then others - but it is still a balancing act.  I do know I could not have it "all" without Eric - he is the boat in our marriage that keeps us a float and with God as our Anchor we are sure to keep going strong!

Some say that working Moms get a break from being a Mom, but I don't know about you but being a Mom doesn't stop once you drop your kids off at the sitter, daycare, school etc.  Some say our priorities aren't in the right order for our kids - but in all honesty who says your priorities are the same as mine???  I may not be at home with them 24/7, but I do know that my love is there 24/7.
  
I think we can look at all the choices you make with raising kids - we all do it different!  Having kids isn't a cookie cutter situation - it's a lets take what we got and make it work kind of deal!  Some breast feed, some use formula.  I tried to breast feed - it lasted for 10 days (then I heard from men and women - you just aren't trying hard enough, you didn't give it long enough...again another list I could go on about).  News alert... that was the worst 10 days of my life!!!  There was no bonding, not a special time, I would "feel the connection" etc blah blah blah stuff I was told by the lactation nurse!!!  Paige literally made me cry each time - I haven't had a mammogram yet, but I can imagine that is what it was like!  They were on a strict schedule so guess what - they feed at the same time - yep I was holding two footballs and leaning back praying they would hurry up!  Needless to say 10 days was AWESOME for me to last that long!!!!  Okay - back to the list of comparisons! Store bought baby food, your own home made baby food.  Again I tried the make our own baby food - there is a reason Gerber has been around forEVER!!!!  cry it out, cosleeping, pacifier, glass bottles, etc... the list really can go on and on.  But at the end of the day - we are ALL Moms and we love our kids in our own way.  We do what we need to do for OUR families!  When younger moms ask me questions on what to do or how to do it - I always share my experience but I always  elaborate on "do what works for YOU and your baby!!!"  Just because it works for one doesn't mean it works for all!  I strongly believe we should be a MOM for our own family and not try to be like anyone else, just bc one Mom does it one way doesn't make you or me a bad Mom bc we do it differently. I chose to be the Mom of our family and what works for our family is the best kind of Mom for our family.

Life is hard, life goes by quickly, I am sure I am guilty of it giving advice when I shouldn't, but if we all tried to motivate, strengthen, and encourage eachother especially MOMS we may get through this life alot easier and even with a little less guilt!  In 1 Thessalonians 5:11 it tells us  "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."

At some point today - build someone up, encourage them - you never know what they are feeling, what guilt, what is weighing on their hearts today - but by you saying good job Mom - regardless if you are a working mom or stay at home mom - we all need a little bit of encouragement!

Keep smiling and keep praying - I know I am!!!!