This Mom Thing!!!!!

Failing....

In the past several months I heard on several different occasions about Mom's failing, myself included.  I know I am not alone when I talk about how hard it is to be a Mom.  We constantly doubt ourselves: do I buy organic, braces for a 10 year old, overnight camps, cellphones, or even the new Moms - bottle or breast feed, cloth or pampers, glass or plastic bottles - the list can go on and on depending on what season you are in with Motherhood.  However regardless of the season of Motherhood, we are doubting our self and we are saying - I failed...

Me personally I struggle with my time... I work out of town from where we live and where the kids go to school - so Eric (thank God by the way that He gave me him!) does majority of the things with the kids during the week.. He gets them ready, he says goodbye to them each morning, he gets that kiss, hug and wave as they walk into school, he also gets to hear about their day first, he gets to find out if they passed that science test they were dreading.  The school even calls him first when the kids are sick or something has happened - talk about a knife in the gut when he calls to tell me "the school called..."  my first reaction is but why not me - well I just need to get over myself, it does make more sense for the school to call him - he is only 5 minutes away - but you get my drift!  I doubt myself - is this career worth it... am I making the right choice to have a career - am I setting a good example for my kids on what a wife and a mom should be... seeing doubting - this is the season I am in now...

~Side note & off topic...Eric gets those first that I don't get... but I am not upset he does, b/c the twins are seeing what a team is all about - the team of a Mom and Dad and for that I would fail daily if it meant my kids know that it takes all hands on deck to make a family and a marriage work!~

I feel that my time is stretched thin with the kids and I wonder will they look back and know that although my little time that I do have in the evenings with them between being a taxi to and from activities, homework, church, dinner, etc I do cherish those moments.  Not once have the kids ever said Mom you failed today at this Mom thing - instead they hug me, ask about my day and don't doubt that I love them! So why do I beat myself up that I can't be at everything and if I slip up and don't get balloons sent to them on their birthday or have 50 cupcakes ready for them to take to school, forget about what color they were suppose to wear that day to school for something God knows what... but I do and I have those little pitty parties for myself when no one is looking - thinking I am failing! 

Guess what??!!!!!  I failed - I screwed up - I forgot - I was too busy - I was too tired - I was too lazy - I was just being a Mom! 

All of this is okay -  It's how we react when when we have those little hiccups - I have done better on not beating myself up as much as I use to - I still struggle, but the struggle doesn't last too long!  So my advice to young Momma's out there - know it's OKAY - you are going to mess up - but guess what those babies will still love you and hug your neck when you do!!!!  So cherish whatever season you are in with your kids and your family and stop saying I am failing at this Mom thing and just say I am Kicking Ass at this Mom thing!!!!  BC - you are just ask your Kids - they will tell you that you are the BEST MOM!!!!

 As always - keep smiling and keep praying - I know I am!!!!!

What a season!

This year's hunting season was full of first!
(PSA - this is a LONG post!!!)

Youth weekend kicked off on Halloween night - when the twins were asked what they wanted to do - they choose to sit in the deer stand instead of going trick or treating.  At that point I realized how fast they were growing up! 

The kids have grown up either in the deer stand or duck blind - Trayce sat in the deer stand with his Daddy when he was only 3 and we all went on our first duck hunt when they were 4, Trayce even brought his bb gun with him.

 First Duck Hunt - 2010

First Deer Hunt - 2009

After going down memory lane on how much fun the kids have had hunting and fishing - this year has by far been the most fun.  As they have gotten older - Eric can't necessarily sit in the stand with both of them - well he just doesn't want to choose who gets to shoot :). 

Finally after Paige and I sat in the stand for weeks (I mean lots of hours!!!) a spike walks out.  From the moment I told Paige it was a spike I saw a look in her eyes I had never seen before.  It was a look of excitement, anxiousness and pure determination!  She sat in my lap shouldered the gun and as I whispered take a deep breath, take your time and squeeze the trigger - she whispers back "Mom I got this" and BOOM she shoots!  Between her adrenaline and pure amazement she starts to cry!  She swears she missed - but then she swears she hit him!  The next 15-20 minutes felt like the past hours we had sat in the stand - we both couldn't take it any longer we had to go look!  We didn't find it - but I just knew she hit him - once her Daddy got to us we started to track a little more - low and behold it bedded down under a few bushes and there you have it my baby girl got her first deer and I was lucky enough to share that moment with her.   I am still not sure who was more happy - her or Trayce - I was very proud of his excitement for her (at this point he had only killed does...)

She also got her first dove this year - her Uncle Carll and Aunt Tiffany took the kids dove hunting - typical Paige fashion - she goes to sleep in the truck, wakes up and tells her Uncle Carll she would like to shoot - he gets her gun ready and when the dove flies over she takes a shot and BOOM she gets one - looks at him and said OKAY I'm done - that child she is either a great shoot or just lucky - but none the less - another first!

Trayce had one heck of a season - all species!  He had some great dove hunts with his Dad, Uncle, and Poppy.  

However, each year since he has been hunting he wants that buck!  He has killed a couple does, but the buck just hasn't come around - he has watched bucks walk past him so many times that weren't legal and he has watched all his friends get a buck, but his was not there yet.  However, a few weeks before the season was over his time came.  Of course his Daddy can tell the story alot better then I can, but needless to say - it was one for the books.  Someone got trigger happy and missed - but the buck stayed around, and the second time around he got him.   Again not sure who was more excited him or his Daddy!  When they got home - he walks in and tells me no deer Mom just an old hog - but come see how big it is - I reluctantly got up (you've seen one hog you have seen them all in my book!)  But, as I walked up to the truck - I saw his big smile & low and behold he got his first buck!

His work was not over - his Uncle Drew taught him how to clean a deer - he made him get in there and cut through the skin and not damage the meat, but more important they shared a bond with each other that neither will forget.

Of course Trayce is never tired of hunting - he was ready to get back in the stand - at that point he said he just wanted to go - he has learned the importance of sitting still and embracing the outdoors.  He truly has the deepest respect for what he gets to do.  At the end of the deer season he was invited to go with his Dad to a friends deer lease in south Texas - no guarantees or promises were made - but he was going to see deer like he watches on TV - for a 9 year old this was the trip of his life!  However he was given the green light to take a shot a management buck - to a 9 year old this was the monster deer of all monster deers!  His Daddy watched and in full amazement and pride he watched his son take a deer that he had never even shot - but wouldn't have traded it for a million dollars - you can't put a price tag on that memory!

The boys ended the hunting season with a duck hunt - 3 generations of Schwab's - there was more memories made than killing their limits of birds.

As the hunting season was ended with many first - the one thing that wasn't a first was the memories made.  Eric and I hope our kids never forget these moments.  It's a cycle of life we are teaching them - it's not just about the hunt, it's about providing food for our family - everything that is killed is eaten throughout the year - they both take pride when I tell them this is your deer/dove/fish we are eating - even at a young age they are providing for their family - those are life long qualities we are instilling in our kids.  

Faith

I realized it has been many months since I last blogged.  Well publicly anyway... my therapy is to write all my feelings, stresses, hurts, successes etc in my journal - most of those are not blog worthy - but very soul worthy!  On my way in to the office this morning I got to thinking about why I even began to blog, one was a friend encouraged me to blog, but two I wanted something for my kids to be able to look at and see where I was during their years of growing up.  Maybe when they read this it will spark a memory, help with a struggle or remind them to always have faith.  My prayer has always been for them to be Leaders in Christ and only a Follower of Jesus. 

Faith according to the Webster Dictionary:
 :strong belief or trust in someone or something
 :belief in the existence of God : strong religious feelings or beliefs

 :a system of religious beliefs

One of my favorite stories in the bible is when Jesus asked Peter to get out of the boat and walk to him on water.  

 Matthew 14:29-31  

He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

When I think of Peter I think of someone who is strong, a leader, courageous, loving, loyal - but with all those words that I have used to describe him - he did the opposite to Jesus at times in his journey. However, even when Peter took his eyes off Jesus on the water, Jesus still had Faith in him - He knew how great Peter was going to be.  He even knew Peter would refuse him 3 times before he was crucified, but Jesus still had faith in Peter. That is the wonderful thing about Faith: we have faith, but God also has faith in us - even in a world as crazy as the one we live in we can and should always rely on that.  He has faith in us even when we don't have it in ourselves.  

I want Trayce and Paige to know that if there is a way there is a will - life will be hard, life will be trying, life will be filled with doubters and no sayers, but if they stand in their Faith and have faith in what is right - they will walk through their journey of life with God as their leader and know that even when they look away or get scared like Peter did on the water, God is there for them - they just have to have faith!

2 Corinthians 5:6-7 

 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight.

Well Played God....

I have not been putting what matters first lately.  I was doing so good with my daily alone time with God - but here lately I have let work, the kids school, the house, everything else take presence over my time with God.  I use to have my quiet times with God on the way in to work - I just chat away with God as if he was sitting in the passenger seat.  However these past months it's been few and far between chats.  I got in my car and something came over me - I just sat in my car for a few minutes and closed my eyes and I start to cry... how could I have put everything before Him - I felt so much guilt.  I dried my eyes and said well lets do this God - I apologized and went on with my chats - it was like I never stopped talking to Him - everything just poured out - it felt good!  One thing I have noticed I have been struggling with is looking at what I don't have: house, clothes, money, etc (all material!).  For example last night Eric was telling about his day describing a house he showed and how much I would love it - so my curiosity sat in and I had him show me - WOW talk about a house, I feel in love - immediately I started comparing what that house has that mine doesn't and I start thinking if only I could have that house instead.  Eric tells me we have everything we need here - we don't need a bigger newer house - I laughed it off and agreed - but deep down I was only seeing what I don't have and not what I DO have!  This morning in my chat with God - I talked about this and I asked him to help me focus on what I have, not what I think I need/want... I started thinking of all the things that we do have - what came to mind was nothing material - it was all about what each of us in our family has that he has blessed us with.  So yes that house I looked at may be bigger, have a double oven, extra rooms etc - but it's not what I need - everything I have it what I need.  As I closed my talk with God - I turned the radio back on and one of my favorite songs on the radio right now came on. I never really listened to it - I just liked the beat and the happiness of the song - this morning I listened and as I jammed and sang along - I laughed at the end and glanced up and said "Well Played God Well Played" - "I have everything I need Nothing I don't...." 

Amazing when we really listen - he does talk to us in all different ways we just have to be willing to put in the time with him and listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N8_CRpL6wk 

(with my technical challenged self I couldn't get the YouTube video of the song to play - but here is the link instead if you want to take a listen!)

Teaching and Living

I remember the twins first year like it was yesterday.  The constant attention, the lack of sleep, the endless diapers and formula bills.  I also remember double the smiles, laughter, hugs, and love.  They keep me and Eric on our toes for sure.  I remember one afternoon like it was yesterday - it was just one of those days in our house.  Eric was out of town and it was just me and the kids.  They were not having a good moment in their day.  Usually they took turns crying - it's like they knew they would get more attention if they cried one at a time - they were good babies like that!  However this moment they were both having a full blown meltdown - nothing I could do worked, changed diapers, rocked, bounced, rubbed bellies, gave bottle, held - NOTHING - they were just not happy at that moment!  All I could do was hold them both; one in each arm and cry with them!  We did this for almost an hour until all three of us were exhausted from crying.  I think we all feel asleep holding onto each other and when we all woke up we were in a different moment - laughter and happiness. 

Their first birthday came and Eric and I looked at each other and said "we made it - we kept them alive a whole year!"  That is truly how we felt - we were just living to keep them alive.  Not teaching them anything really - just feeding their needs.  The next couple of years were stressful, fun, challenging, but who knew having two wasn't that hard - at least that is what I told myself!   I wouldn't change one hard day for anything in the world - bc those babies brought so much life and love into our marriage and our lives I will forever be grateful to them.

I am now looking at them and they are about to be 9 in two months!!!  How in the world did that happen.  It hit me last night as I put them to bed in their gueen size beds, no superhero or princess sheets and no rocking them to sleep, just kissing them, reading a story and tucking them in - they are growing up right before my eyes.  I went from feeding their needs to now trying to teach them things.  Are we really teaching them what they need to know and are we still feeding their needs.  I constantly think are we enough?  Are we teaching them what they need to know to make it through their day?  Am I being the Mom I always said I would be?  Am I a good example for them? The list of questions of doubt, fear and hope could go on and on.  But, when I see them figure something out, be kind, show confidence, and love God I  know we are doing something right.  Trayce amazes me what he is little young mind thinks - he asked me last night when I was tucking him into bed - "Mom do you believe in God" I replied "yes" - he asked me "Why"  I said well for the same reasons I hope you do - which is I believe he died on the cross for me to live and continue to share his love. I asked Trayce "Do you believe?" He replies "Yes he is my Lord and Savior, I was baptized with his love and I know He lives in my heart"  He then continues to tell me that there are people in the world that do not believe and those are the ones the devil is trying to make us believe, but he knows that Jesus would not like that so he will just continue to pray for those people even though he doesn't know them.  I was absolutely blown away - how this little boy has it really all figured out and he doesn't even know it!  Times like this I know God is working our family and guiding us and I couldn't be more proud of my son in that one moment then I ever have.

I I know I make a lot of mistakes and I don't always say the right thing at that right moment, react in the right way and I probably don't apologize to them as much as I should.  But, I do know we learn each day from each other on how to be better human beings - they are teaching me just as much as I am teaching them.


Keep smiling and keep praying - I know I will (even for the ones I don't know - just like my son taught me)


Proverb 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."
  
Mark 10: 13-16 "People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."  

Deuteronomy 6:7 "Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

Can I pray for me...????

As we sat in church this morning I prayed for my kids, my husband, my family, friends, my usual prayers. However the second I was done praying I snapped at my kids.  As I was praying I was being tapped, pulled, with all of a sudden "I have to get water I need to use the bathroom".  It's not like we live far from the church, but the second we walk in its like every bodily function stops!  I honestly thinks it's their way of not having to sit for an entire hour, but I guess I'll take them sitting there for 45 minutes over not... I even joked with the couple behind me, please pray for me. Silently I was calming myself down from having a breakdown on my kids!!! 

I started to think during mass, am I praying for the right things?  I never stop and pray for me... But I feel selfish for praying for me... I shouldn't be taking up Gods time with me, there are far more important things to pray for then me... My kids, my husband, my friends, etc they need my prayers more... Right????....

But in all honesty no one knows me or my heart and soul better than Jesus.  He already knows my fears, faults, blemishes, and shortcomings (snapping at my kids this morning comes to mind) yet He still chooses to love and accept ME for ME.  So how can I not pray for myself, I need Him to guide me, listen to me and show me how or be a better person. I need Him to show me how to be closer to him, I need Him for my walk in this life.  All of this is going through my mind at mass this morning.  During  the homily, our Priest talks about jealousy, fairness, being thankful for your own blessings.  I realized I can't get through this life without praying for myself, I need Him to help me not be envious of others, to be humble, thankful and appreciative of the blessings I have. I realized I am important enough, He created me and He doesn't create anything that isn't worth praying for. And that includes me too.  

Without praying for myself, how can I be strong enough to pray for others, guide my kids to follow His word, be a good faith filled wife to my husband, help others, & pray for others. Without making sure I'm solid in my faith, then how can I help others? The only way I'm solid is through prayer with Jesus. I encourage each of you to take a moment and pray for yourself!  Just like me YOU are worth it too!!!!

Keep smiling and keep praying, I know I will (and even say a prayer for myself!) 

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Mom for YOUR family is the best kind....

Lately I have been seeing, reading, hearing about life of a stay at home Mom vs working Moms.  First this is NOT a post that says one is better than the other!  When I created the blog years ago it was a way to put my thoughts, feelings, memories etc so one day the twins could read about it.  With that being said, I want Trayce and Paige to know that although I wasn't the stay at home Mom I was a Mom who still loved them and didn't choose a career over her kids...I just chose what worked for our family!  Isn't that what we all do for our families???....

When we got pregnant and even found out we were having twins it was never in my mind to be a stay at home Mom - I always knew I wanted to work.  Does that make me a "bad Mom" or a someone who doesn't love as much?  Some said to me (yes they really did say this!) - "Don't you love your kids enough to stay at home with them", "You are working to just pay daycare "," you must not be the baby/kid type", "You're just a secretary - why work"... and really the list could go on what I have been told over the years.   But, if I could go back and change if I worked or not - I would have done it all over again.  I have enjoyed working.  I like the idea of having a career life plus a family life and having to balance it.  Which sometimes I balance it better then others - but it is still a balancing act.  I do know I could not have it "all" without Eric - he is the boat in our marriage that keeps us a float and with God as our Anchor we are sure to keep going strong!

Some say that working Moms get a break from being a Mom, but I don't know about you but being a Mom doesn't stop once you drop your kids off at the sitter, daycare, school etc.  Some say our priorities aren't in the right order for our kids - but in all honesty who says your priorities are the same as mine???  I may not be at home with them 24/7, but I do know that my love is there 24/7.
  
I think we can look at all the choices you make with raising kids - we all do it different!  Having kids isn't a cookie cutter situation - it's a lets take what we got and make it work kind of deal!  Some breast feed, some use formula.  I tried to breast feed - it lasted for 10 days (then I heard from men and women - you just aren't trying hard enough, you didn't give it long enough...again another list I could go on about).  News alert... that was the worst 10 days of my life!!!  There was no bonding, not a special time, I would "feel the connection" etc blah blah blah stuff I was told by the lactation nurse!!!  Paige literally made me cry each time - I haven't had a mammogram yet, but I can imagine that is what it was like!  They were on a strict schedule so guess what - they feed at the same time - yep I was holding two footballs and leaning back praying they would hurry up!  Needless to say 10 days was AWESOME for me to last that long!!!!  Okay - back to the list of comparisons! Store bought baby food, your own home made baby food.  Again I tried the make our own baby food - there is a reason Gerber has been around forEVER!!!!  cry it out, cosleeping, pacifier, glass bottles, etc... the list really can go on and on.  But at the end of the day - we are ALL Moms and we love our kids in our own way.  We do what we need to do for OUR families!  When younger moms ask me questions on what to do or how to do it - I always share my experience but I always  elaborate on "do what works for YOU and your baby!!!"  Just because it works for one doesn't mean it works for all!  I strongly believe we should be a MOM for our own family and not try to be like anyone else, just bc one Mom does it one way doesn't make you or me a bad Mom bc we do it differently. I chose to be the Mom of our family and what works for our family is the best kind of Mom for our family.

Life is hard, life goes by quickly, I am sure I am guilty of it giving advice when I shouldn't, but if we all tried to motivate, strengthen, and encourage eachother especially MOMS we may get through this life alot easier and even with a little less guilt!  In 1 Thessalonians 5:11 it tells us  "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."

At some point today - build someone up, encourage them - you never know what they are feeling, what guilt, what is weighing on their hearts today - but by you saying good job Mom - regardless if you are a working mom or stay at home mom - we all need a little bit of encouragement!

Keep smiling and keep praying - I know I am!!!!

Homemade Memories

Well we celebrated another year of the twins life on March 28th!  I really can't believe they are 8 - I mean really when did that happen!!!  Usually I am the lets start planning in January for their party, I spend hours thinking of the perfect theme, colors, food, cake design, invites and what Paige will wear!  This year was a little different... I don't know if it's bc I am getting older of it it's them getting older.  Neither could decide what they wanted to do - one big party, two small parties, sleepover, movies, bowling, Seaworld - even Disney - yeah they reach for the stars :).  I have taught them it never hurts to ask! Paige wanted one friend and have a girls day, Trayce wanted a big party and invite everyone we knew! I told them they had to decide what they wanted and they must come to an agreement.  So for about a week, they went back and forth on what to do - finally they compromised!  I still haven't decided if they pulled a fast one on me... 

We had an evening with one friend each for a sleepover then the next day had a game of bowling and a movie.  Which ended up be fantastic - we did hotdogs, made smores, and Eric and I even played hide and seek in the dark with them - it was a great night!  Then 2 weeks later we had a family party - this was alot fun and special for them to have all their family celebrating with them - it's not all the time we get all of our family together.  However for this party - I didn't stress, I sent email invites out and even used a picture of them from Christmas, I bought what was on sale at Card and Party Factory for the napkins and plates, I didn't spend $100 on cakes - I made a Buttermilk pie for Trayce (per his request) and bought a $9.99 kroger strawberry cake for Paige. These kids had the best time!  They smiled from ear to ear the entire time.  I even enjoyed the party - I wasn't stressed out - I actually visited with everyone!  Not that I don't love throwing the best themed parties - but it was nice to just have a simple homemade party!  Sometimes the best parties are the ones that you don't spend alot of money on but you spend alot of time with the people there.  I have learned alot in the past 8 years - it's not what money can buy that makes us happy its the time and memories we make while just being together!  I can't recall the last party I hosted where I just enjoyed and took in each moment.  I am vowing to do that more often - it's good for all of us.

So keep on smiling and keep on praying - and go have a homemade kind of party!


And aren't these the most precious 8 year olds ever!!! I know I am a little biased! 

It's been too long!

Too long - I looked at my last post and wow it was too long ago to even think about trying to catch up.. however you look at my draft blogs I tried to write you would see I at least started - just didn't finish!  So where are we now... 6 weeks into the twins 2nd grade year!!! 2nd grade - crap when did that happen - it was just yesterday I was taking them to daycare!  Oh well I guess I need to take my own advice and suck it up - they grow up and that they do so quickly. So this blog is just going to be a run down on who they are and what they are up to...

Trayce - my sweet boy still.  He is the most sincere, loving, thoughtful little boy I have ever meet.  Ever since he was a baby he would look at you and make you feel like you were the only one around - well he still does that, his hugs have gotten tighter and his love has gotten grander!  When other parents, teachers, etc talk about Trayce they always say he is such a sweet kid, it makes me feel good, b/c I feel like I am doing my job, I am trying to raise a good man one day and good men are sweet - so I am hoping this means we are on the right track.  He is extremely hard on himself and his biggest critic.  He has this deep desire to be the best at everything and when that doesn't happen he shuts down and beats himself up.  I wish I could say I wonder where he gets it from, but he does get that honestly.  Eric and I are both driven people and when we don't succeed (in our eyes) we seem to take it a little harder then most.  We got his first report card for 2nd grade and it was all A's and 2 B's (which 88 and 86 are pretty dang close to an A), but in his mind it isn't good enough unless there is all A's! Well tears filled his eyes and you could see disappointment all over his sweet face - it really did break my heart to watch it unfold - those are times when I really wish I could shake him and tell him to not be like me!  He snapped out of it pretty quick bc of course he didn't want anyone to see him cry, but how I wish he could be as proud of him as we are!  But, all in all he is doing great - shot his first hog this year with his Daddy and can't wait to sit in his own deer stand this year.  Got his first hunting license and went dove hunting several times already!  He even told us he may not play basketball this year b/c it interferes with duck hunting too much!  For that y'all he is is Fathers Son!!!

Paige - my little miss priss!  She is all girl but with a tom boy side starting to set in.  More and more each day she is outside throwing the football with Trayce, shooting her bb gun and trying to kill squirrels with it!  But, she in all of that she has a bow in her hair and lip gloss on!  In my eyes perfect!  The funny thing with Paige is she doesn't want to grow up - she tells me all the time she wants to stay little and never get big, she likes being the baby of the house.  Hopefully this won't bite up in the you know what later - but right now I do like the fact she doesn't want to big!  She is very versatile - one day she is wanting cute boutique clothes and the ruffles and big bows then the next she wants her nike shorts and a t-shirt (however there is still a bow - just not a huge frilly one!).  She is an athlete in her own right - her tumbling skills have surpassed my wildest expectations!  I was happy with one back hand spring - nope she is now wanting to see how many she can do in a row!  She is working on getting her back tuck down (which that scares the begeezies out of me!).  She makes it look so easy!  She is also in dance and loving it hip hop of course - she has the moves - her Daddy says he got it from her, but anyone who knows Eric knows she def got the better part of his dance moves!  Her grades are all A's - she is struggling in math a little, to the point where she is having a little anxiety (again she gets that honestly - notice the pattern my kids get my bad traits!).  For her to struggle with something is new territory, but I will say she is not a quitter, she will work and work at it till she knows it - which that I am so proud.  When she saw her report card - she said it quietly to me that she made all A's - she didn't want to hurt her brother bc she knew how badly he wanted all A's. I hope their love and sweetness stays like this forever!


Here are some pics of my loves... I will try to not wait so long next time to blog - since the whole purpose of this blog was to have something written down for the kids to look back at when they are older!  So I apologize now for letting life get in the way - but at least we are living life!!!

Keep smiling and keep praying - I know I will!

Hustle and Bustle

It's been awhile since I sat down and took the time to put fingers to keyboard (I really wanted to say pen to paper).  I feel like the past year has been a blur.  We are in the last 6 weeks of the twins 1st grade~! How in the crap did that happen!!!! 

They have lost teeth, did things they couldn't do a year ago, turned 7, didn't want a big combined birthday party, they are growing up!!!!  I hate it - I see people with 3 and 4 year olds and I think to myself I wish my babies were still that small - not that I haven't enjoyed these years, b/c I have, but I really do feel I haven't enjoyed it as much as I should have!  I was too worried about manners, being kind, playing fair, teaching compassion, love, and how to be "the" good kids!  Yes, I did let them play in the mud, take huge bubble baths, go places, be kids - but I think I didn't enjoy those little things like I should have.  I hope it isn't too late!

I worry that as a Mom they are not going to think I was fun, played enough, laughed until we cried, played in the rain, dance crazy - yes we have done all those things, but did I do it enough.  I think I feel sometimes as Moms we get so caught up in the everyday hustle and bustle we forget to stop and enjoy the small things.  I beat myself up for being too hard on them, I should have said it differently, I shouldn't have yelled, I have to remember they are only kids, I shouldn't have compared them to each other!  Things I do in the moment and then instantly feel bad for - usually I say I am sorry, but there are times I don't.  I need to reroute my focus!

Lent just ended two weeks ago. I didn't give up anything, but I vowed I was going to take more time for prayer, which I did and it felt so good.  However, there were days I slipped and didn't pray like I should have, I didn't give the Lord my full attention - I let the hustle and bustle of everyday life get in the way - the same as I do with my kids.  I let the smallest but most important things get in the way of what the big picture is about.  So I am vowing today, to not allow the hustle and bustle of life get in the way of 1.) my prayer time with my Lord and 2.) to allow me to stop and enjoy these years with my kids - b/c if the rest of their childhood is anything like this past year - it is going to fly by and in 10 years I will be blogging about them leaving for college and how I missed so much!  I refuse to let that happen! 

So with all that said - whomever reads this blog, if you are a Mom and are letting the hustle and bustle of life get in your way of your prayer time and your Mommy moments - please stop what you are doing and pray and the second you get a chance grab your kids and tell them you love them and go and have fun with your kids b/c in a blur they are grown!!!

Keep smiling and keep praying... I know I am

My Love Always...

Tonight (or morning really - Paige had a nightmare, so I am wide awake) I am blogging about my husband - I know I said I would do this blog so my kids can look back on this one day and see how much I really did love them and I wasn't just always telling them to brush their teeth, eat all their vegetables etc... But, I think they also need to know how much their Daddy means to me.  As the kids are getting older they are realizing Mommy and Daddy's don't stay together forever.  I sheltered them as long as I could about the word "divorce" but it's apart of life, so of course we had to explain it (better hearing it from us then other people).  They question me every so often "Mom you and Dad aren't going to break up right.." of course I assure them all the time that when we decided to get married breaking up was not an option.  Trayce even told me "Mom I never want another Mommy :)"  I assured him that would NEVER happen.  Trayce is my thinker - he asked me one afternoon on our way to basketball - "Mom does God live in your brain too?  I told him God is with all the time in your heart and mind - that he is everywhere.  I asked him why.. he says well I just want to know will God just tell my brain who I am to marry b/c you said you just know (you know like when you and daddy meet) and that I have to pray about it"  After I composed myself and thought how can a 6 year old little boy think this deeply, I told him as long as he prays about it God will take care of the rest!  So in light of them learning about this - I think it will be good to know that their Mommy and Daddy really love each other and know how much their Daddy means to me.

I always knew Eric was the one for me - from the first date we had when I was only 17, I just knew he was the one.  I prayed as a teenager God would bring someone in my life that would love me unconditionally and love me for me - not someone they wanted me to be.  Eric was that one.  Now, I am not saying that we did not put each other through pure hell sometimes, but in the end all the heartache we endured was worth it - I really wouldn't change one thing about our past!  It made our love stronger and more deserving due to all the heartache.

In the past year we have become ALOT more busy in life.  I knew the days were gonna come when we would feel like we were passing each other in the hallway and those days are here.  But, even though we may not have our usual front porch talks as often or get our date nights like we want - I do still know our love is strong and we will conquer this crazy life we have.

Today he called me and asked me to play hooky so we could go sand bass fishing - of course I couldn't b/c of work, but the fact he asked me gave me butterflies.  Even though I couldn't go, at least he still asked and wanted me to be the one to spend an afternoon on the riverbank catching sand bass instead of one of his buddies!  I don't tell him as often as I should - but thank you honey for still being my saving grace and for still asking me to be your fishing partner and I promise I always will be. SO here is to many more crazy days with our beautiful kids and here's to us still asking each other to spend time together - my promise to you is I will never stop asking as long as you don't either!  I Love You Eric Christopher~!



As Always...Keep Smiling and Keep Praying... I know I am!!!!

Time Flies

It feels like forever since I blogged!  So much going on you would think I would stop and write it all down - but yeah that hasn't happened :).  I can't believe it is almost Christmas!  Where has this year gone?  SO many blessings this year.  Some came with heartache, some came easy, and some came when we weren't expecting them.  My precious babies are growing up so fast and becoming such little people - not babies!  It is hard for me to remember that - they aren't babies anymore!  Well they will always be MY babies, but you know what I mean!

This past weekend we went to New Braunfels for the Holiday in Gruene - we got to see Cowboy Santa, shoot pool in Gruene Hall, shopped and had lots of laughs.  I had a Mommy moment when Trayce decided his tummy wasn't feeling too well - he had that cough - that I knew was a cough that would slowly have something follow! Well let just say I was faster than a speeding bullet in getting him out of the store!  Once he got some sleep he felt much better and once he woke up he wanted to go to Gruene Hall - how could I deny him of that!  This is the second year that I have taken the kids and they love it - they actually ask to go back - there isn't a ton to do, but there is something about Gruene that gets a hold of young and old.  As we were standing in front of Gruene Hall - I looked at the kids laughing and playing - I prayed that one day they would bring their kids and remember all the memories they had (the store tummy ache will def be one!).  As we left the parade - the kids were on cloud nine - there was a airplane in the sky with red lights - they swear it was Santa and Rudolf - it brought tears to my eyes watching their smiles and eyes light up when I confirmed that is what they saw!  It even brought the kid out in me and hand in hand we skipped all the way to the car (literally we skipped - you would have thought we all had laughing gas - we were laughing so hard) I hope we always laugh like that!

As a Mom we all wear so many hats and most of the time we are wearing them at the same time.  I tend to let things slide by - my house isn't always spic and span, I have dust, dirty floors, and laundry that piles up - but I do have really happy kids that have done more in their 6 years of life then I did my whole childhood.  The second I decided to be a parent, I vowed to the kids and myself I would never push them to the side b/c I was too tired, or I needed to stay home and clean, or I cooked each night and didn't spend time with them in the evenings.  Believe me they don't notice the messy house and the sandwiches for dinner - but they do notice when I am not spending time with them.  I hope they always notice that b/c I never want them to feel 2nd to those things.  I want my kids to look back on their childhood and remember how much fun they had and how I always played with them, and even skip with them in the parking lot.

Until next time keep smiling and keep praying - I know I am!

Fully Charged

This weekend I went to the Women of Faith Conference in San Antonio.  I haven't been in several years and I forgot how much I missed the conference.  I also got to spend this time with one of the most amazing women I know - my college roommate Stacey - she and I were thick as thieves back in the day and I cherished our time we got to spend together - she is an amazing woman of Faith and I am so blessed she is in my life!

This year the conference was very centered around young Mom's and finding your way through your crazy days.  I prayed during my (4.5 hour road trip) that He touch my heart over the weekend and give me the extra push that I need to work on my relationship with him.  I say I am a Christian and I try to be a good one.  But, so many times I trip and fall and I wonder - will he really love me if he knows the real me?  I know stupid question huh (he made me so yes he knows me!).  But, what if I am not all he made me to be, what if I am falling short, what if I can't be that good Christian woman that I think I should be...  This weekend one of the speakers (Angie Smith) talked about the what if's and we need to learn to let go of those and concentrate on the What is...  so what is my what is?  That my friends I don't know - but I do know that I am willing to dive into the scripture and find out.  I bought a bible study for me and a girlfriend to start - we have been talking about for a while now - but now we are doing it.  It is about Chasing Jesus (Jennie Allen) - well I am ready to chase him that is for sure.  I know I will never be perfect and I know at times I will fall down - but the glorious thing is he is ALWAYS right there with open arms to embrace me and love me for who I am with all of my imperfections.  I prayed hard on my way home - I turned the radio off and I just prayed - it rained on me the most of the way home - during my prayer I went through a town and it stopped raining for a few miles - there was a rainbow - I think He sent that to me to show me He was listening and riding in the car with me.  I haven't seen a rainbow in years - how ironic that I saw one then...  We say we need signs - well I am here to say I believe that was my sign.  I prayed He would continue to push me to find him and to work on our relationship.

 Sunday morning at church I had an amazing thing happen to me.  Each Sunday I sit on the pew while Eric and the kids get up and take communion (well Eric does - the kids get blessed for now).  I usually take that time to pray alone and it is nice, it's like my own special quiet time with God in his house, however something came over me and I just got up and walked up to the alter and Father Lowery blessed me (I think I shocked him - when he saw me he just smiled so big and I knew it was okay, I had a sense of calmness...)  I sat down and was shaking almost, tears in my eyes - I couldn't believe I did it - I walked up there and got blessed.  Most of you are thinking so what is the big deal - but mind you it is a very small church and everyone notices... I just always worried what others would think if I got up and just got blessed.  I thought it was easier for me to just sit in the pew and pray and hope no one noticed I didn't go up there.  Apparently Jesus didn't care and he pushed me to get closer to him.  Again - something else I learned I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me and just concentrate on what He thinks of me.  How thankful I am for that  push!  I guess I experienced one of those moments I always hear about!   I have a long way to go, but I am so ready for this journey - I need this void filled and who better to fill it then our God!  He defiantly charged my spiritual battery for me and now it is up to me to keep it plugged in!

Until next time keep smiling and keep praying - I know I will be!

We survived the 1st Six Weeks of 1st Grade!!!!

We have survived the first 6 weeks of 1st grade!  I feel like I am back in school.  We read, do spelling words, work on sight words, and attempt math (poor things I think I will need a tutor when the math gets more than just adding and subtracting!).  But, all in all they are doing great.

 I meet with each of their teachers last week to check on their progress and transition from kinder to 1st.

We will start with Trayce man:
   He has and I think will always be my perfectionist - he wants everything just in the right order and hates nothing more then to NOT be good at something!  Well - school is going to come a little harder for him then most.  He is very smart, but he has to work at knowing his sounds, recognizing his sight words etc, BUT I will say in the past 6 weeks, he has came miles from where he was.  However, not making all 100's is very hard for him to accept.  He threw away a 90 grade on a test in math he got - I found it and asked why - he said it's not a 100!  I was like seriously it's an A (wish I would have made A's in math.. another blog ha) - he thought he should have done better.  He is going to be his toughest critic, but it also pushes him to do better.  It is sad the kids are so worried about making 100's now - spelling test for example, if they make a 100 on their pretest they don't have to take the test on Friday.  I like the 2nd try, however it makes them think if they miss one or two they didn't do good... we are struggling with this at home, but he is getting better with accepting he isn't ALWAYS going to make a 100!  Overall he is doing great and is making strives each week to be better.  He goes with a teacher one on one each day for 30 minutes to have the extra help with the phonics, which he LOVES going, I think he just likes the attention :) but it's working so I am all for it.  Our amazing friend Casey is helping a little each day and she is making more strives with him then I think anyone can - he wants to please her so bad!  She is definitely a blessing to us!  I really don't know what I would do without her!

Little Miss Paige:
  She is having a blast being in school.  Her teacher told me she is in her top group and would run things if she let her (her Kindergarten teacher said the same thing ha!).  I think we have a little leader in the bunch.  She loves writing and her teacher told me she is excited to see where her creative writing takes her as her vocabulary and spelling progresses.  At home she write songs and books - it is pretty amazing.  She is NOT hard on herself - she just goes with the flow. I love her free spirit and stress free attitude. She also takes everyone's feelings in to account.  Especially her brothers.  At the beginning of school Trayce was not making 100's on his spelling test and she was making them on the pretest (without effort!). Eric and I call her Mini Tiffany! They came home a couple weeks into school and I asked about the spelling - Trayce tells me (sadly) he missed 2, Paige says oh I think I missed one or two.  I didn't pay any mind to it - I went about the evening - when they were taking showers I went through their folders - low and behold Paige made a 100.  I went and asked her about it - she said "oh okay I guess I forgot"  then she went on to tell me - "don't say anything to bubba I don't want him to be upset".  My heart melted and I was so proud of her at that moment!   Anytime Trayce says he isn't good at something she is the first person to say well I am not as good as you in math :) So many kids would have wanted to rub it in their siblings face - but not mine - they actually care about each others feelings!   

In general I am so proud of both of them and the little people they are turning in to.  I am so blessed that I get to be a Mom to them - they truly are the light of my life!Not saying they don't have their moments - but all in all they are such good kids!

We went Dove hunting as a family a couple weekends ago - against Paige and I's will - but Eric was persistent that we go as a family.  Low and behold we (all of us) had a blast!  I didn't kill a bird, but I was going through bullets like crazy!  Trayce killed his first Dove and I think Eric was more excited then Trayce - Eric was jumping around like a wild man!  Paige had a blast finding all the birds - she didn't mind at all getting in there and picking up dead birds - she even helped her Daddy clean them when we got back to the camp house!

So until next time keep smiling and keep praying.... I know I will be...

  

First Grade

It has been a whirl wind summer (hence I'm just now blogging something about school). But what a great summer we had. I think we went non stop, but that is what I like about summer, late nights, pallets in the living room, days off, ice cream for dinner all the things I can only do now while they are young!

The kids had a great summer. Between getting shuffled around between my sweet friends this summer (so I didn't have to donate my kidney to pay for child care) and the Fridays with their favorite Katie I was able to be stress free knowing my kids were having fun and being loved ;). We ended our summer in South Carolina and we all had a great time, none of us wanted to leave and come back to reality! But we did and now the kids are going in to their 3rd week of school!!!

Paige loves her class and is reading more and more each day. She has a little creative mind. She loves to write stories! I love it and am so proud of her for wanting to learn more.

Trayce is doing well and enjoying seeing all of his friends. I have seen extra confidence in him this year with his studies. My sweet friend Casey is tutoring him and I think without her extra help we would not be where we are with his studies. I am so proud of him for not wanting to give up.

This coming week starts the crazy schedule, dance, tumbling, faith formation classes, homework, and whatever else is thrown at us, but bring it on, we got this!!! But, really say a prayer for us ;)

Until next time keep smiling and keep praying, I know I am!!!

Growing up...

So I did something for the first time today. For the first time in 6 years I dropped my kids off to spend time with their Great Grandma (GiGi), Nana, and their Aunt Carri for 6 days! Needless to say I'm wondering how I am going to act! They have stayed overnight with people before, but never to the point where I will not see them for several days! I know they are going to have a blast and I am so happy they get this time. But the selfish part of me wants them with me! I should be jumping for joy for the alone time, and the adult time with Eric, but I'm lying here in bed wondering how they are! Which I know they are fine, how can they not, they are going to be ruling the roost and getting spoiled beyond belief! I guess it's all part of growing up, I am still trying figure out where the time has gone. It seems like yesterday when I was the only one who could put Trayce to sleep (now the boy can go to sleep anywhere) and the only one who could do Paige's hair right (now she does her own hair). People always say the time will fly by, cherish each moment and I have tried to hold on to those moments, I so hope I didn't forget any! I think being a Mom is such a hard job, you love when it's good, you love when it hurts and you love even when you have to let go and let them grow. I know this is just the beginning of letting them go & do fun things without me, but I do have to cut myself some slack, it's the first time! Right? Lol! I also know this will be a week they will always remember. My Grandma (GiGi) won't be around forever, so for them to get to have this time with her fills my heart with so much joy and happiness. I know it does hers too.

I looked to the bible for some scripture that would help me with my anxiety for letting my kids go and it's okay that I am not with them all the time and this one spoke to me:
Proverbs 22:6
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

This tells me that as long as I keep our core and foundation solid and we continue to raise our kids by Faith and His word, when they do leave (either for 5 days or when they leave our home to be on there own) they will not depart from our Lord and will not depart from me or my love.

Keep smiling and keep praying... I know I will be!

Confusion

Today I blog about personal struggles of confusion.  I just need to get this off my chest and hope that those few (maybe 2 of you :)) will pray for me.  When I was 14 I started attending church with a friend and her parents, after attending regularly for a few months, I decided this is what I was missing in my life.  I didn't grow up in home where God was first - really it was never talked about, I knew they believed, but it wasn't a staple in our family.  I was always envious when I would hear of people talking about church camps, vbs etc - I couldn't relate, but that all changed when I chose to let our Lord in my heart.  It was a huge decision that a scared 14 year old girl made all on her own.  To this day it is one of my proudest days in my life.  I remember walking up to the front of the church like it was yesterday and proclaiming my life to him - all alone - no parents there to cheer me on - but a huge church full of people smiling and praying for me.  I got baptized that Easter of '92 - another day I will never forget.  Of course through the years I was back and forth with the church.  I never thought I would find myself confused with my religion.  When Eric and I decided to get married we talked about where - but I felt since his parents were paying for the majority of the wedding it would be respectful to get married in the Catholic church - to me it didn't matter where - as long as it was in a church and he and I were getting married!  When it came time to have kids I still was distant from the church we would go the catholic church every now and then.  When we had the kids - it started to bother me more and more we weren't involved with a church - I wanted the kids to grow up in a church unlike I did - I hated I missed so much as child b/c it wasn't available so I wanted to make sure my kids have the church as part of their childhood.  Eric's relationship with our Lord was not the best at the time so I took it upon myself to attend a church by myself with the kids at Second Baptist Church - it was a huge void filled when I started attending and the kids loved Sunday School and I enjoyed the service and small group - I thought I am finally back!  Then we move to Centerville - and I have blogged about this before so no use to getting into it - but I didn't seek out a church home - we just went to the Catholic church. That now I have grown to love.  But, I have never thought about becoming Catholic - not that is some bad thing, it is just I am scared to give up my religion as Baptist.  I take a lot of pride in saying I am Baptist I think because it was such a huge decision I made on my own as a teenager - but at the end of the day I guess the most important thing is I say I am a Christian.  Hebrews 13:8 says "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever"so that tells me whatever religion, Baptist, Catholic, Methodist etc - our Jesus Christ is the same everywhere!  But, why do I find so much struggle to allow the Catholic religion in my heart.  My husband, my kids and some of my family are Catholic - but WHY am I having such a hard time with it. Jeremiah 29:11 tells me "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope".  I need to be still, pray and wait for his sign to tell me what to do - but I am not good at being still - so I need your help with prayers as I struggle with this inner confusion on what shall I do - seek my faith as a Catholic woman or continue to be Baptist and attend the Catholic church with my family (which I am fine with - I love the order of mass - I like the priest and I have grown to understand and respect the traditions the Catholic faith holds).  I guess sometimes I just think I should be more than what I am doing....

Thank you for reading - if you didn't get bored at the top of the page - like I said - I just need prayers right now.... so keep smiling and keep praying - Lord knows I am 

 

Kindergarten!

Well I made it through Friday! You would all be proud I only shed a couple tears! Trayce helped lead everyone in the Pledge of Allegiance and the Texas Pledge, I was so proud of him! This is coming from the kid that use to stand on stage with a blank stare with his hands close to his mouth! He did great! Paige helped sing a song with two others and she did an amazing job! She does love to sing so you never know, we all know she isn't afraid to be the center of attention. They asked what each student wanted to be when they grew up: Trayce said he wants to be a diver so he can catch lobster and Paige wants to be a hairstylist. Which I know this will change a million times before they grow up!

The main reason I am writing this blog is one it's therapy for me to get all the things in my head out, but also that I hope one day my kids will look back and see just how much I did adore them and I wasn't always just telling them keep their elbows off the table, use your manners and always say your prayers! I want them to know they mean the world to me and know that no matter what they want to be in life I will always be their biggest fan! So I thought I would write just a few things about them that I have watched them do in the past year...

Paige: you are the most caring and thoughtful 6 year old. You have a caring instinct about you that wants to help people. You always want to be the one to set the good example and you are not afraid to say when something is wrong. I pray that those two qualities never leave you. Your teacher told me at the beginning of school you were a leader, she said you would run that class if she let you! So instead she made you the helper to others that needed help: you shined in that role. You are so laid back (sometimes a little too much), but you enjoy each moment in life and you take your time and will stop to smell the roses. Keep doing this life is too precious not too. You have helped me slow down and take in the simpler things. I think each day you get more beautiful and are growing up before my eyes, but most of all as beautiful as you are on the outside, you are 10 times more beautiful on the inside! You are doing so well with tumbling, I enjoy watching the excitement in your eyes each time you do your routine or nail your back handspring! Thank you for being an amazing daughter and being such a special gift from God! I love you whole world whole heart!

Trayce: you are a sensitive and thoughtful little boy. You always put others first and want others to be happy. You will let someone else go first bc you know you will eventually get your turn. You always think of Paige, you always want to make sure she is okay and she gets the same thing as you. You take things seriously but then at the same time you find something to smile and laugh about. You love to make people laugh if you figure out you are doing something funny that makes others smile you keep doing it. You are hard on yourself, but only bc you want to be the best. That is okay, but always know that as long as you try you are doing more than some. Your not afraid to get out and try something and for that I am so proud! You are a little athlete in the making, I have yet to see you play something you are not good at, I hope you continue to love sports bc that is when I see you shine, you have such a drive for it and I admire that so much. Your heart is full of love, I see how people smile when you are around you make people feel like they are the only ones around (you have done this since you were a baby). Thank you for making my heart melt each time you hug me and tell me you love me more than anything (even baseball)!!! I love you to the moon and stars and back!